


First Steps (after Regret)

by 4thofFive



Series: Regrets [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-12
Updated: 2014-06-12
Packaged: 2018-02-04 08:33:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1772584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4thofFive/pseuds/4thofFive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Danny make a decision about their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Steps (after Regret)

Steve padded softly down the stairs the next morning feeling exhausted and emotionally drained. Danny had slept in the guest room last night and Steve had heard him moving around quietly this morning but he wasn’t sure if his boyfriend was still in the house.

Steve entered the kitchen doorway and stopped abruptly when he spotted an equally exhausted and defeated looking Danny slumped at the kitchen table, his fingers wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee.

The dark-haired man swallowed nervously briefly meeting Danny’s bloodshot eyes before looking away.

“Hi,” Steve muttered quietly unsure of what words he could use.

From the corner of his eyes Steve saw Danny nod once in acknowledgement before dropping his head again.

“Not going swimming?” Danny asked quietly, his voice so flat and lifeless that it made Steve’s stomach clench.

“Umm no. Maybe later. I just…”

Danny nodded again then took a deep breath and let it out with an audible gust.

“Steve I…I’d like to talk to you for a moment.”

The Commander nodded and pulled out a chair to sit across from Danny. He entwined his fingers tightly on his lap and forced himself to look up at his lover.

“Okay.”

Danny took a sip from his coffee mug and Steve could see that his hands were shaking. That small tremor was enough to almost break Steve who had to blink rapidly and take in and release several deep breaths to keep from bursting into tears. My god what had he done?

“First of all…” Danny began his voice strained and tremulous. “I love you. I need to say that because last night I convinced myself I didn’t any more but I do.”

Steve deflated like a balloon and felt his body slump weakly in relief at Danny’s words. He was certain they were over and Danny hated his guts.

“Having said that,” Danny continued ignoring Steve’s obvious physical reaction to his words, “I’m crushed and hurt and…offended by your behaviour. I don’t know if I can ever trust you again and I don’t know if love without trust can ever survive.”

Steve felt his eyes sting with tears as he reached one hand across the table towards Danny. The blond man shrank back from him and, disappointed, Steve pulled back his hand and dropped it to his lap.

“Danny I know you don’t believe me right now but I swear it will never happen again. I will never cheat on your again. This time was an aberration. I was so emotionally traumatized that I wasn’t thinking. I know that sounds lame but it’s the only way I can describe it.”

The detective nodded and raised his eyes to meet Steve’s.

“I believe you. I get how terrible that was for you and I’m sorry you went through that. I believe you when you say you’re sorry and I believe that you mean it when you say it will never happen again. What I’m not sure of is if this situation comes up again, will you be able to stop yourself?”

Steve opened his mouth to respond but Danny held up a hand to stop him. The Commander slumped back in his chair.

“Steve you’re a Navy SEAL and a cop with the Governor’s task force. It’s likely you’ll go on terrible missions again and god knows we handle some of the worst cases imaginable. You’ll face terrible traumas again and if I’m not around, what’s to stop you from doing the same thing to find comfort?”

Steve opened and closed his mouth several times searching desperately for the words that would make Danny understand that he would never betray him again.

“Danny I…there’s nothing I can say that will make you believe me or make you trust me again. All I can ask for is your faith and I know I’ve lost that. I don’t know what to do or say to get it back.”

Danny sat back in his chair and laid his hands flat on the table on either side of his coffee cup. The two sat silently for a moment before the smaller man huffed out a bitter-sounding laugh causing Steve too look up at him in surprise.

The detective shook his head in disgust.

“I realized last night, as I was tossing and turning in bed, that I’m not exactly squeaky clean myself since a year ago I had an affair with my ex-wife when she was still married to her husband. At that point I truly believed she loved me and her marriage to Stan was over but that doesn’t excuse our behaviour.”

“She cheated on you before she divorced you,” Steve pointed out tentatively.

“That still doesn’t make it right.”

Steve nodded as Danny leaned forward putting his elbows on the table and clenching his hands in front of him.

“Maybe the fact that I cheated with someone myself should cause me to give you a free pass but I can’t Steve. I can’t just shrug and chalk it all up to karma being a bitch and carry on like nothing happened.”

“I don’t expect you to,” replied Steve quietly, his eyes trained on the floor.

Danny sighed heavily and rubbed his hands over his face.

“I need to move out for a while,” he announced flatly.

Steve jerked his head up and shifted in his chair anxiously.

“Danny, please don’t…”

Danny shook his head and raised his hand again to stop Steve’s words.

“I don’t think it will be forever. Just for a while until I can get my head straight and figure out how to live with this.”

Steve sucked his lips between his teeth and dropped his head.

“I’ll move out. You and Gracie stay here.”

The smaller man shook his head.

“No, I can’t do that. This is your home and I wouldn’t be comfortable living here without you. Chin told me last week that the person who is renting his old bachelor pad is leaving so I’ll see if I can move in there for a while.”

Steve raised sorrow-filled eyes to his boyfriend.

“For how long?” 

“I don’t know babe,” Danny replied softly. “I just don’t know.”

“What…what do I need to do to get you back? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

Danny gnawed on his bottom lip for a moment as he considered the question.

“I was thinking maybe we could get couple’s counselling…”

Steve nodded quickly.

“Yeah ok, I’d be willing to do that.”

“I was also thinking,” Danny continued tentatively, “that maybe we should both get individual counselling.”

Steve froze visibly at that and Danny could see he was wrestling with the idea. The detective knew Steve didn’t open up to strangers easily. Finally the SEAL nodded slowly.

“If that’s what you want. I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary.”

Danny pushed back his chair and stood up as he began to pace the room, his coffee cup left forgotten on the table. He could feel his emotions rising again and he felt the need to move before they swamped him.

“I just think…there’s a reason you went off with that woman. There’s a reason you got drunk and had sex with her instead of dealing with your emotions in a healthy way.”

Danny stopped and stared at Steve for a moment. His eyes were brimming and his bottom lip quivered.

“There’s a reason,” he continued his voice weak and tremulous, “that when you were upset and emotionally fragile, you didn’t think to call me and let me try to help. You didn’t turn to me. Instead you turned to alcohol and sex with someone you haven’t seen in years just because she was there.”

Steve sighed heavily and put his elbows on the table and dropped his head into his hands.

“I’m just…I’m so sorry Danny. I don’t know why I did what I did. I don’t know why I didn’t call you. I don’t know…”

Danny nodded and turned away from his obviously distraught boyfriend to wipe the tears from his face before turning back.

“Steve…” Danny stood quietly waiting for Steve to look up at him. When he didn’t Danny repeated his name again.

“Steve.”

The SEAL looked up slowly, his face now wet with tears.

“I need to know one thing,” Danny asked, his voice now trembling with fear. “Did you…did you have unprotected sex with that woman?”

Steve sat back in the chair and looked at Danny steadily.

“No. I used a condom. She had some condoms.”

Danny pitched forward clutching his knees with his hands and panting in relief.

Steve hurriedly climbed to his feet and rushed over to the smaller man gripping him by his biceps and pulling him upright.

“I would never do anything to jeopardize your health Danny,” Steve insisted, forcing Danny to look into his eyes. “I would never do that to you or to Gracie.”

Danny nodded and rubbed his hands over his face again before dropping them to rest on Steve’s forearms for a moment before gently pushing the taller man away. He wasn’t ready to take physical comfort from his boyfriend just yet.

“Okay,” he whispered hoarsely. “Okay.”

Danny stepped back and returned to the table dropping bonelessly into the chair.

He ran his hands through his hair and fought to regulate his breathing as Steve tiredly resumed his seat across from him again.

The two sat almost motionless for several long minutes before Steve looked up at his lover again.

“Danny? Why did you say I was too good for you or that Rachel had been too good for you? How could you ever believe that?”

The detective swallowed hard and stared at his own hand as it began drawing meaningless patterns on the top of the table.

“I…she was so beautiful and so are you. She was so successful. Everything she tried in life she achieved brilliantly. So have you. I’m just a working class loudmouth from Jersey. I’ve never really understood what she saw in me and sometimes…” Danny shrugged and blinked rapidly. “Sometimes I don’t know what you see in me.”

Steve reached across the table and grabbed Danny’s fidgeting hand and held it, not allowing the other man to pull away.

“Danny I can’t believe you feel that way. I can’t believe you don’t see how amazing you are and how lucky I am to have you. Beautiful? I’ve never known anyone I thought was more beautiful than you – except maybe Grace.”

Danny’s lips twitched into a small smile at the compliment of his daughter as Steve continued.

“Sometimes – before I messed this up – sometimes I would wake up at night convinced you had come to your senses and decided my emotional baggage was too much to deal with and you’d be gone.”

Danny looked up in surprise at that as Steve continued, his voice growing rough.

“Then I’d roll over in bed and you’d be there and I’d stare at you. I’d think about how beautiful you are, how smart and funny. How good for me you are. I’d think about the gift you gave me letting Grace into my life…”

Steve’s voice broke at that and one tear rolled down his cheek and he dropped his head for a moment. Danny couldn’t help himself as he clutched his boyfriend’s hand tighter. Steve looked up at the smaller man intently.

“I get scared about you leaving me too Danny,” he whispered tearfully. “I’ve always been afraid that someday Rachel would announce that she still loves you; that she wants you back and she wants to be a family again.”

“Steve…”

“I know how much you want to have Grace in your life full time and how much you’d love to have more children. Part of me has always been afraid that if she offered that, you’d jump at the chance.”

Danny leaned forward and wrapped both of his hands around Steve’s.

“I don’t love Rachel anymore,” he replied firmly, forcing Steve to meet his eyes. “Yes I’d love to have Grace full time and yes I’d enjoy being a father again but I don’t want that with her. I don’t ever want that with her again. She’s my past and you’re…I hope that you’re my future.”

“I want to be your future Danny,” Steve responded desperately. “I want us to fix this mess I made if we can and I want to be your future.”

Danny nodded and released Steve’s hand reluctantly to sit back in his chair.

“That’s what I want too. I love you too much to just give up. But it’s going to take time Steve. It’s going to take therapy and a lot of rebuilding of trust before I can be sure that we can move on from this and continue our lives together.”

Steve nodded and dropped his shoulders disconsolately.

“I know.”

Danny drew in a ragged breath and let it out slowly.

“I’m going to go upstairs and call Chin and then I’m going to pack a bag.”

Steve opened his mouth to argue then shut it again and nodded reluctantly.

“On Monday I’ll find us a couple’s therapist and I’d like you to make an appointment for your own therapy session ok?”

Steve nodded again and hung his head.

“I’ll…I’ll call you tonight and the two of us can take Grace out for dinner on Wednesday ok? I want to minimize how much this affects her if I can.”

Steve looked up in surprise and relief and nodded again.

“Thank you babe. I couldn’t bear not being able to see Gracie again.”

Danny’s mouth twitched into a soft smile.

“I wouldn’t do that to you – or to her. She adores you too much.”

Steve released a shuddering breath as tears spilled out of his eyes. He wrapped his arms around himself tightly.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he choked out.

Danny stood up from the table and walked around to stand in front of Steve’s chair. He reached out a shaking hand and touched Steve’s shoulder lightly. The SEAL reached up with his own hand and tangled their fingers together. He couldn’t raise his eyes to meet Danny’s. He knew he would break apart if he did.

“We’ll work on it Steve,” Danny gritted out around the lump in his throat. “We’ll work hard to fix this. I still love you. Don’t forget that. Whatever happens in the next few days and weeks, don’t forget I love you.”

Steve nodded quickly and tightened his jaw to keep from sobbing.

“I love you too.”

 

The end.


End file.
